We were in a dimly lit, rather crowded bar in Shoreditch and that was the last time we hung out in that city as I was leaving for home. Sometimes I find human relationships quite interesting – there are some people whom you have known for many years but somehow the relationship is polite, distant and somewhat cold. On the other hand, there are some people whom you have known recently and somehow you can open up to them about your insecurities. I think the character of the person matters but lately I believe that how you know the person matters as well. It’s important to have some common grounds but at the same time, it’s important not to have too much common grounds. Personally, I open up more to people that we don’t hang out in groups/ cliques. R was one of those people whom I can open up to.
Me: When I was growing up, I used to be quite socially awkward. I didn’t know how to make friends and I didn’t really have friends.
R: Seriously? I can’t imagine that. Now you are doing great!
Me: Yes, over time, I slowly learn what to say or do when I talk to people. Sometimes I feel like I am some kind of robot. When someone said something, in my head I tried to think of the most appropriate reaction. For example, I will say to myself, “Show positive affirmation to what that person just said.” It’s kinda unnatural.
R: *nods many times*
I am not sure if other people feel this way but sometimes I feel like I am not exactly human. What I do everyday is I try to behave like one socially accepted human being. It’s a bit difficult because I want to “fit in” to the environment but at the same time, I want to show that I have a personality. Sometimes it works; other times it fails. Another problem that I face is that sometimes I don’t accept the way people behave but perhaps they are doing things the “socially acceptable” way and I am making too big a deal out of nothing. Should I interfere (and risk standing out) or should I just leave it the way it is? Machine learning in this environment is still in progress.