It was a cold and rainy night in London and we were indoors, enjoying the warmth from the electric heater. Even though the room was warm, I was not feeling thankful at that moment. In my heart, there were intense emotions that were slowly consuming me.
Me: Sometimes I wish I am not the way I am. I wish I can care less about people.
Y took my hands, shook her head furiously and tried to console me.
Y: No, don’t think that way. You are perfect the way you are.
Me: People always disappoint. When I care about them, I expect something from them. I can’t stop myself from expecting things from them even though I know I should not because I want to be more giving. When I expect things, I get disappointed when the expectations are not met.
Y: No, you are just being too harsh on yourself. It’s only human to expect things from people when you do things for them.
Me: I wish my life revolves around me. I am sick and tired that my life revolves too much around people who don’t care about me the way I care about them.
Y: No, that’s the way you are and you cannot be anything apart from you. That is not…natural. You will find it tougher to pretend to be someone else…
I am blessed to have friends who are introspective, caring and philosophical. They really helped me to grow as a person. In my line of profession, sometimes I feel compelled that I have to fake it till I make it. I learn to fake from the people around me; I imitate and I hope to get the same outcomes. Consequently, sometimes I don’t feel natural and it’s tough to put up a false front. Funny how Y already figured that out about me almost a year before I stepped into this profession. As Haruki Murakami nicely put it, “No matter what they wish for, no matter how far they go, people can never be anything but themselves.