I have been meaning to write about this for a while but I haven’t had enough time and space to do so.
I started blogging in WordPress approximately a year ago and at the start, it functioned as a diary I shared with a good friend. Before that, I was a paper and pen person and I preferred scribbling thoughts on paper to writing online. I started blogging believing that it was a way to exchange deeper thoughts with someone situated some miles away. It was personal and it was something I treasured. Today I want to write in a style that I would do in that blog.
It was all good at the start until one day, we started our fights and they wouldn’t subside. I was upset that I was the only person updating in the blog and felt that I was the only one holding on while she was hurt that I didn’t understand how busy she was. I was disappointed when she made a seemingly then important announcement on Facebook instead of telling me via our many means and she was angry that I found faults in her and nitpicked.
More often than not, I wish I have kept my cool and that I didn’t use the Internet to convey those intense emotions to her. I wish that I hadn’t made those accusations. I wish that I could undo those wrongs. Maybe things would be the same. Maybe we would be the same.
Looking back, I wish that we understood what ‘tolerance’, ‘commitment’ and ‘trust’ really meant before we made the decision to do so many things for each other. I believe that soulmates are hard to find and it is an uphill task to get someone who has once closed the doors on you to open the doors again. We just can’t. In life, many things can be pried open by force. If experiments fail, try and try again until they work. But relationships are different – if the feelings have already evolved, it is impossible to force them to go back to what they were originally.
Sometimes I wonder if my life would have been better if I hadn’t met her. It’s hard to say but I’m inclined to think that I wouldn’t be able to get past so many hurdles in life that easily if not for her emotional support. The times I shared with her are arguably the best days I had in Singapore during my undergraduate years. There was nothing I wanted more apart from her company. I wonder what she sees when she looks back at those times. I look back, hoping things could magically revert to what they were.
So that very first blog I had is now in a mess, waiting for someone to pick up the pieces and fix them. Once bitten, twice shy, we carefully step over the shards, afraid of getting hurt by those old fragments of memories and yet, at the same time, we are afraid of becoming that kind of friends we never thought we would – superficial, polite and awkward. How do you nurture that degree of trust with someone whom you have no reason to meet? Even if we meet, what is left as a harmless common topic for us to talk about? Is it better to forgive, forget and move on?